To the Bride Celebrating her Wedding Without her Father
/By Courtney Cyr
All photos by Jamie Marie Fischer
Maybe you lost him or maybe you’ve never met him or you just don’t speak to him.
Whatever the case is celebrating your wedding without your father will surely bring some emotions to the surface.
I’d like to start this blog by recognizing the many types of loss that people experience - a parent, grandparents, a sibling, a child and all of it comes with sometimes unbearable pain that I believe comes up during the wedding planning process. But my personal, and most impactful experience, was moving through a wedding without my dad so this is the only story I can tell.
When I was 21, weeks away from finishing up my junior year of college my dad died unexpectedly. His was the first funeral I had ever attended. It was the first loss I’d ever experienced and it’s impact was deeper and more painful that I sometimes even remember - my entire world changed in an evening.
Anyone who’s ever lost someone understands the initial blur that you experience immediately following death. The drive home from the hospital, the first time alone in their house, when you first reach for the phone to call them. All of these moments are stored deep in my memory, and sometimes I think deep in my body, but they are a blur. However, one of the first thoughts I vividly remember having in the days after losing him was “who is going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?” It wasn’t until 5 years later that I would even get married, but for some reason the thought struck me so deeply and caused so much pain, that 10 years later it still sticks out in my mind.
Time went by and my grief moved further and further from my mind and in 2014 I found myself celebrating an engagement. Eagerly I began planning the wedding of my dreams. I wanted something simple, intimate, and real. I wanted my guests to feel welcome and honor the people who had been a part of our love story. But in the midst of sometimes chaotic wedding planning, something else began to emerge. In every vendor form we filled out listing family members or the order of our ceremony, I would have to mention that I didn’t have a father attending or explain that I had lost my dad so my brother would be walking me down the aisle. It was as if I was unearthing a wound I had buried in order to survive and with every mention of his loss a new area of uncharted grief was revealed to me. I was starting a new part of my life, taking on a new title as someone's wife and my dad wouldn’t be there to see the change. It was the first big change he’d never know about it.
On July 18th, I married the sweetest boy from Oklahoma in my mom’s backyard. It was beautiful, and I still consider it my favorite day. I cried when my brother walked me down the aisle because it was such a special moment but also because my heart was, and still is, broken because my dad wasn’t there.
As someone who’s still a part of the wedding industry, I feel an obligation to share this story. First, because I want there to be a story behind the beautiful wedding photos and videos. Weddings are full of emotion and not all of it is easy to feel. And second, because I think it’s important people realize they’re not alone in their grief.
So to you, dear father-less bride, please know you are not alone in your moments of suffering. And my advice to you is this - feel it all. The pain, the embarrassment, the heartbreak, but also the beauty of the celebration you are planning and the fact that there is still so much love left. This is what it means to be human - to find the things worth celebrating despite the pain of loss.
You will look beautiful, and even if you cry all the way down the aisle, your day will still be full of magic.
Were you married in the midst of great loss? Comment below with your advice on planning / hosting a wedding while holding hands with your grief? I would love to read about it.